Why Tumblr Makes My Skin Crawl.

As you guys most likely know, I recently left my tumblr blog for good. I've got 400-ish followers and 4,500-ish posts on there so it was kind of painful to abandon it. Tumblr helped me grow my faith, gave me a safe place to speak openly about my history of abuse, and just vent when I needed to; but after a slew of hate mail, hateful "reblogs" and a changing culture on there, I decided to take a short break. After coming back from my "short" break, I now can't scroll through my dash or read a single post without my blood pressure going through the roof. Here is a (very) short list of why I've now come to loathe tumblr.


1. Follower Count
As much as it's nice to know how many people read your blog and care what you have to say, the follower count breeds a competitive spirit among blogs that should be allies. As I've said before on tumblr, it's flattering that people followed my blog, but my follower count means next to nothing to me. The fact that people interact with me, respond to my posts, and ask me questions shows me a great deal more than the number of people who have clicked one button to "follow" my blog. And people actually compare these things! Somehow a higher follower count means your blog is better than someone else's. If that doesn't bread hostility, competition, and contempt, I don't know what does. So stop asking about my followers!

2. Extremists
It seems like tumblr is a hot bed of people with very myopic worldviews. There is no such thing as being "moderate" - and if you truly are moderate, you will get attacked by both sides until you settle into a comfortable, albeit dangerous, extreme stance one way or the other. When an entire group of people swings so violently to one side of the spectrum on any issue, it terrifies me. From the Catholics who don't believe nearly any Church doctrine, to the Catholics that say that anyone who doesn't believe every little nuanced thing the Church has ever said isn't a real Catholic... both sides are dangerous to Catholicism.

3. Pride
We all know pride is a major sin and it is rampant on tumblr. Everyone seems to think they know all there is to know about the one topic they've chosen to get into and absolutely cannot accept any differently or listen to other opinions. The follower count contributes to this, as does the hero-worship of favorite blogs and "fan mail." We are just ordinary people. Living ordinary lives. Some of us have a particular interest in something (mine being Christian Sexuality), and some of us know quite a bit about certain things. That does not make that person an authority. However, tumblr seems to convince these people (myself included) that we are authorities on whatever we choose. I fell into the trap, and I would urge you all the take a step back. Honestly, I feel like I had to take such frequent breaks mainly because of my pride.You can only have people tell you wonderful things about yourself so many times before you start to believe them. I see this all over the tumblr community and while I think it's wonderful that we support each other, I also think it's very important that each person ensure they are not getting too prideful (more on this to come in a later post).

4. Tumblr Support
After a string of really hateful anti-Catholic sentiment popped up, one blog decided to up the ante and devote an entire blog to anti-Catholic hate. I sent tumblr an email (the first time I'd ever done so), bringing the blog to their attention and pointing out a particularly hateful post that I hoped they could address for me.

Their response?
The exact same response given to others who email about the blog.
Word for word.
Defending the blog's freedom of expression.
With no attempt at addressing the specific post I had linked them to.

I sent a follow up email asking if they would defend the freedom of expression of other dangerous, hateful blogs (such as a racist, or anti-semetic blog). No one bothered to answer my email. Bottom line? Tumblr support doesn't care about us, doesn't protect us, and doesn't have the time to respond to emails.


[if anyone has a link to a blog like the ones I mentioned, send it my way and I'd be happy to rescind my statement]

An Angry Explanation of Why I Don’t Believe in Sex Before Marriage (and an angry letter to the contributers of Yes Means Yes) [TW: rape, domestic violence]

Where to begin? So I’m currently reading this book called Yes Means Yes: Visions of Female Sexual Power and a World Without Rape. I picked it up because it was in the feminist section, it talked about an end to rape, and mentioned “sexual power.” In my head, I was like, “Yeah! I’m a feminist, I’d love to see an end to rape, and I want to see what they have to say about empowering women to make their own sexual choices.” Choices being the operative word here.

However, it’s hard for me to get through even one essay in this book without wanting to throw up or throw the book across the room.

As many of you know, I was raped in high school. I’m going to go through the gory details here because I don’t want anyone to question it. I was dating a boy. I am Catholic, he was not. He abused me physically and verbally and manipulated me until I didn’t believe in anything I had before I met him. Once I got to this point and I was so dependent on him for my identity and worth, we had sex. The next morning I immediately knew I’d made a mistake and spent the entire day alternating between crying and throwing up. I explained that I didn’t want to have sex with him again - at least until I figured out what I believed and what my emotions were doing. He was entirely understanding. Then the next time we saw each other, he pulled the car into a parking lot and asked me to have sex with him. I said no several times. He used lines like, “If you really loved me, you’d do this for me,” and basically begged and pleaded until I couldn’t say no anymore. What could I do? He was in the driver’s seat and made it pretty clear I wasn’t leaving until he got what he wanted. From that day on, every time I saw him, we had sex. I would usually try my luck for the day by starting out with something like, “I’ve been in rehearsal all day… I’m really tired. Is it ok with we don’t do anything today?” And he would also act like it was so silly that I had asked! Of course we didn’t have to have sex that day! But it would inevitably end up with his hand up my shirt and no matter how angrily I told him to stop, he wouldn’t. Sex was something I owed him. No matter how many times I said no, he wasn’t hearing it. If you want to try to tell me that wasn’t rape then you can shove it up your butt because I’d like to hear what you would call rape - other than being held at gunpoint. 

Now, this book is sitting on its high horse and lecturing on how the only way to heal from sexual abuse is to have lots and lots of sex. Well, I’ve done that sweetheart, and guess what? It didn’t work! And do you know why I did it? Because I believed those lines that feminist literature had fed to me about sexual freedom and sexual healing…

My second serious boyfriend I met in college. I had just finished reading The Purity Myth. I was convinced virginity is some social construct meant to oppress women and I was one of those angry feminists. I decided I was going to “take back” my sexuality and we ended up having sex very shortly after we met. To put it bluntly it was awful. I was having flashbacks and I was so uncomfortable I couldn’t stand it. When I told HIM I didn’t want to have sex any more, we broke up several months later. A lot of other stuff went into it, but my discomfort with sex was a major factor in our relationship ending.

So here I am. Nearly 20 years old. I’ve slept with two people. Both experiences were terrible.

The ONLY good things I’ve gotten out of this book are words that resonated with me from the foreward by Wendy Cho: “I said yes because I felt it was too much trouble to say no. I said yes because I didn’t want to have to defend my “no,” qualify it, justify it - deserve it.”

My solution to not having to justify my no? I’m not having sex until I am completely and totally joined to another human being - my husband - and he completely and totally understand me, knows where I’m coming from, and respects my “no.”

I’ll say it - I don’t trust men. I don’t trust them to listen to me; I don’t trust them to respect me; and I certainly don’t trust them not to rape me. But I don’t think that will ever be solved by having sex with lots of men. I counter that distrust by not putting myself in situations where men can betray me. 

I never want to go through what I’ve been through with my last two boyfriends again. Ever. What is my solution to that? I will not have sex before marriage.

I will only ever put myself in a situation as intimate as having sex with one other person for the rest of life. A person who completely and totally understand me inside and out and who I can trust over anyone else in this whole world.

If you believe your sexual healing will come from having sex whenever you want with whomever you want, then more power to you! That is your choice! Seriously, I understand that not everyone shares my beliefs or my religion so if other people want to have sex before marriage that is genuinely none of my business.

Will I consistently say that the healthiest way to have sex is in a unitive and procreative way? Yes. Because that is what I believe.

But don’t you dare come to me and try to tell me that there is something “wrong” with me because the last thing I’d like to do right now is crawl in bed with some guy in an attempt to “get over” what has happened to me. 

Respecting sexual decision means respecting ALL sexual decisions. Including chastity.

TL;DR Don’t you dare judge my sexual choices if you’re going to talk about “sexual freedom.”

Why I LOVE My Confirmation Saint - St. Brigid

Going through Confirmation in 10th grade, I wasn't very into my faith. I was doing Confirmation because I knew it was the next step in the CCD process. In about November, we had to pick our Confirmation name. I wanted to pick someone cool but I didn't have the patience to wade through all the patron saint lists, and a friend in my class had already picked Cecilia - the patron saint of music.

I was torn between choosing my Aunt or my mom's best friend, Bridget, as my sponsor. I decided to ask my Aunt to be my sponsor, but I still wanted Bridget to be involved somehow so I chose her namesake as my saint name - St. Brigid of Ireland. I liked the name, I liked Ireland. It sounded good with my names - Ansley Grace Brigid. Then I didn't think any more of it.

Until this week. Yesterday being Ash Wednesday and all, I started a Novena to St. Joan of Arc. For those who don't know, St. Joan of Arc is one of the coolest saints... and she's the "realest" patron saint of rape victims. I decided to look up some other saints because I was talking to a friend and suggested she pray for St. Joan's intercession.

While I was in saint-mode, I decided to check up on St. Brigid. I hadn't thought much about her other than I share her name now and every once in a while give an offering and pray in front of her statue at St. Patrick's Cathedral.

Here's where things get really cool.

She is the patron saint of (among other things) midwives, infants, and nuns. MIDWIVES, guys! I had no idea my sophomore year in high school that I would want to be a midwife. Wanna talk about divine coincidence? I think God's trying to tell me something there. Also, I just started considering religious life several weeks ago. And lo and behold, she's the patron saint of nuns, too. Intercession in my discernment process!

Now. This woman is, like, my new favorite person. Nearly ever. Next to St. Joan of Arc.
1. Her parents were baptized by St. Patrick. And she had a personal relationship with him.
2. After her father arranged her marriage, she prayed to be ugly, so no man would want to marry her and only regained her beauty after taking her vows.
3. It's also said that when St. Patrick heard her final vows, he mistakenly used the form for ordaining priests. When told of it, he replied, "So be it, my son, she is destined for great thing." (Source)

Finally, (my favorite part), here's a snippet of a prayer she wrote. I am not kidding with this one:
"I would like a great lake of beer for the King of Kings.
I would like to be watching Heaven's family drinking it through all eternity."

Girl after my own heart..

So here's what I'm doing for Lent this year:

Giving up gossip. I did this last year and it was a total failure. Once you stop talking about people, you realize how much of your conversations revolve around talking about people lol. But I'm going to try harder this year. And I think Joe Reis is doing it with me. I just want to quit talking about people behind their backs. Regardless of what I have to say - good or bad - I will say it when they are present, or ask them to tell people.

Praying before I eat or drink ANYTHING. My great-grandfather used to say the blessing over everything, even half a candy bar... I didn't know him well, but that's the one thing I do know about him. I would love to emulate him in this way and it'll remind me to be thankful that I actually have something to eat.

Bread and water fasts. Enough said.

Keeping a journal of all the things that I see around the City that make my heart swell. I swear, every time I get on the subway I see some adorable/hilarious/heartwarming scene that completely makes my day. I want to start writing them down and having a record for when I'm starting to lose faith in humanity..

I hope I'm not spreading myself too think but I thin giving up one thing and adding two isn't too much.

Under Construction

Hello! If you're here, it's probably because you followed me from my tumblr blog doubtingansley.tumblr.com. I'm currently in the process of moving my more blog-y posts over to this page and streamlining everything a bit more. Bear with me! Soon to come: an explanation of why I left tumblr.